As a counseling student, I often peruse the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illnesses (Fifth Edition) (more commonly called the DSM-V) for homework for my diagnosis class as well as to compare my clients' diagnoses to the newest edition of the DSM for work. Many people, I think, don't expect to see definitions of their behaviors and illnesses in the huge novella.
I can clearly look into that book and see my own diagnosis. Everyday, I struggle with the battle of depression throughout my very busy life. I refuse to look it up because I don't want to be held back by my own understandings of depression and biasing myself to a personal stigma for a lifetime.
I wake up and dread the alarm clock at 6:30 am. I make my semi-healthy breakfast after tripping over my hungry cats, if I have time, and get ready for work. I try to turn on some motivational music, such as Callie Caillat's "Bubbly" or some rock music from Green Day. (You know, science has found that listening to angry music helps us express our emotions and feel happier?) I get in my car, finish progress notes at work and make calls and/or handle crises, then see clients and watch my gas tank, log my mileage. I finish up counting my productivity hours and head to school. I hang out and destress for a while, do some homework, and go to class for 3 hours and (normally) pay attention. Then, I go home, help make dinner or hang out with my husband and watch some tv. Get a shower, lay out my clothes, get any lunch I was planning to make ready, and go to bed while watching TV with my husband. Get up & do it all again.
You'll notice a theme. The only time of the day I actually feel motivated, happy, or excited is seeing my classmates, learning, or interacting with my family and cats. I love my job- truly, I love working with my clients and seeing them make progress. I love learning new things and helping them become stronger people; seeing a smile light my client's face who has gained some success is one of the most amazing things in the world. For me, though, it is so hard to stay positive. It's not my environment- although my schedule is stressful and I overthink everything. It's just my mood.
I look in the mirror and don't like what I see. (This, you'll note, is progress- I used to hate my reflection). I lost 25 pounds last summer and have gained it all, and more, back. I am disappointed in seeing pimples on my face after so long of not drinking soda and reducing sugar in my diet.
I overthink everything- I literally do not have a quiet moment in my brain. I am constantly vigilant of what is going around on me, thinking about how I am perceived by others, my ability to escape a situation, what my decisions will lead to, the future.
I hate that I never do my homework as well as I want to- partly due to my schedule, but partly due to my decrease in self-discipline.
Yet, people from the outside of my counseling mirror see a perfect life. They see a bright, young woman who is going to school to become a counselor and is working so hard to help others achieve their own success. They see someone who is more active than she once was, who can go out with her husband and do things. They see someone who is happy and happy with her life and situation.
I am happy, but I am not happy with myself. I struggle so much with my self-perception, my over-thinking that I literally struggle to interact without thinking about every detail of the conversation and interaction and thinking about ways that I may have screwed up. I may be unhappy with myself, but I only find myself beautiful because of my husband's influence on my life. Because of the amazing people who surround me, I know I can get better, maintain control, and succeed.
If there is anything I leave you with, it is this.
Don't let your life be run by fear of being yourself. Be open to the experiences that will change you- and they will- and help you grow. There is nothing wrong with dreamers and don't let the world kill your hopes.
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